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I have wanted to for awhile, to write something meaningful, but every time I have sat down to the laptop to write that something, words have failed me. It isn't that I do not have anything to say. I actually have plenty to say, but the words just have not come together to be anything value to me or to anyone else.
I don't want to just write something to write something. I want to write something that has value and if possible, encouraging. I want my words to be thought provoking and inspiring. I don't want to struggle to make the words to come out. I want them to flow out.
It hasn't been there for me until the last couple of weeks. I've had a repeating conversation with God the last couple of years and I have had it again within the last month. It is funny because every time I initiate this conversation He answers in a very dramatic way.
Did you ever read that book as a young girl called "Are You There God, It's Me Margaret". I have had a repeating conversation with God where I am shouting "Do you hear me now God?". Can I be very honest? I sometimes have even felt like stomping my feet and I know that I have figuratively folded my arms and dug my heals in response to what I have felt was God not listening to me.
I have been asking God to heal my body and most importantly to heal my emotional hurt. It has felt like God has mostly remained silent. That for me makes it tough. I'm a talker. I like to talk through my problems, what is bothering me. I even like to talk through just random thoughts and ideas that I have.
I just finished up a conversation with my husband about natural caffeine and synthetically made caffeine. At the end of the conversation, he commented that this subject didn't really matter to him. I responded with how I had heard someone talk about the product they sell had natural caffeine and that I hadn't known that caffeine could be synthetically made. That led me to look up how much caffeine was in each of the different sodas and I learned that most sodas are filled with synthetically made caffeine from soda. Was it super important to know this? Nope. Did I need to discuss it with anyone? Nope. But the subject interested me and I just process better when I talk through what I am learning. (Have you guessed that I am an Enneagram 4 yet). So, it has not been easy for me that God has remained largely (or what seems to be) quiet on the subject of healing my body of PCOS and my heart from hurts that haunt me.
By December, I knew that my body was under some stress. I could feel the continued tension and other symptoms pointed to high blood pressure. We do have a monitor at home so I was taking my measurements here and there which reflected what my body was telling me. I had only discussed with my husband how I was feeling and this was usually late at night or in our morning conversations while Joe was occupied. I tell you this, because it is important to know that we had never had we discussed how I was feeling in front of Joe. He knew I had had a couple of headaches, but I never let on that I wasn't feeling well. But I remember, one day standing in my bedroom and saying to God "Why do I have to balk or scream at you? Why can't you just answer me?" I was so frustrated.
I think it was in the summer that I mentioned to a friend that I felt that God was going to heal my body and my hurts. Maybe with that you can understand my frustration then when in December, not only was my body still working against me, but things had escalated to high blood pressure as well.
Randomly, one day in the first full week of December Joe and I were walking down the steps. He was behind me. I had stopped at the bottom step to turn and talk to him. We were just chatting in general about toys and playing games. Before I could turn completely around, Joe put his hand on my back and said clear as day "Heal my mom in Jesus name". I turned fully to him and he smiled and said "Now you are all better mom". With tears in my eyes I thanked him for praying for me.
Here is the tricky part. I didn't get better. In fact, Christmas Eve, I had such an extreme headache that I felt nauceous and sick. It took everything in me just to have a halfway decent conversation or to play with Joe. My blood pressure that night was at 173/94. The headache lasted through Christmas day and when I woke up with the headache still there on Saturday I decided to go to urgent care. They did some basic questions and performed a couple of easy tests to guage whether I was having a stroke or not then prescribed me a water pill and told me to follow up with my primary care physician. They also tested me for covid & the flu, but both of those came back negative.
I still have to follow up with my primary care (coming soon), but a couple of things have happened since. My BP has come down considerably. It is still considered high, but there is such a huge difference in what it was and how I feel. In addition, I received test results back for my A1C (something that is important to watch when you have PCOS) and my number came down .5 from this time last year. Though we have made some changes to our eating habits I was actually convinced it was going to be up since some random tests I had done at home showed some high numbers in the morning before eating.
Friends, I do not know fully what is going on, but I do believe this. God is healing my body. When I saw the A1C numbers I went back and looked at the historical numbers for other tests like cholesterol and in the last two to three years all of those numbers show a decrease. I had not known this.
My healing hasn't been instantaneous. My healing may even be in part because of small lifestyle changes I have made. But I firmly believe that God has been healing me.
After Christmas, I was listening to Lisa Bevere's book Girls With Swords on Audible as I drove down to pick my mom up for a visit. She was talking about a time in her life when God told her to say something that she felt wasn't true to her father who had not been kind to her. As she told her story, I wept. There is a very long story I have to tell about this one day when I am ready. But know this. I needed to hear what she had to say. I followed her advise and her example. It didn't fix my relationship, but I do believe it has started the beginning of repairing my heart. I do not feel the heavy burden and the pain when I think about separate situations. I do not have the nightmares I was having. Healing has started.
I don't believe the story stops here. God has been showing me a door that He is opening for me. Though I do not like the silence. I believe God has been allowing me (patiently waiting for me) to stop and listen for what He really wants me to hear. I'm so thankful that His patience is bountiful and that He doesn't shake me a little and repeat my words to me "Do you hear me now, Michelle?"