Get Over It

It has been a very long time since I have felt the urge to write something passionately. I have had my little rants that I share because I see things and honestly feel like sharing, but last night I was a part of something that has left my very being filled with hope and wonder and it was all nothing but God. Honestly, I'm not sure how it impacts my future, but I will tell you that it has changed my perspective.

Last night I went to a ladies prayer night at my church. My expectations were not very high because once again I was very mad. Before we go to deep I just want to note that I am very real with God. The Bible tells me He is my friend and I do not hold back with Him when I am upset and frustrated. For every bit of hearty praise I give Him, I will give equal amounts of sass. And last night He got some of my anger and a lot of my sass.

When I entered the prayer room I was physically exhausted and emotionally on alert. I was ready for a fight. When I first kneeled down to pray I did not immediately start praying. For a few minutes I just sat there. I let silence fill the space. A couple of very dear and sweet ladies came over and prayed with me, but still I sat there. Feeling a little bit reserved. Holding out because that is how mad I was. I would talk to Him, but the words were meaningless and I can honestly tell you I do not even remember what I prayed at that point.

I did begin speaking to Him, but it was more demands and insisting that He tell me He hears me. Show me that He cares. My usual rant to Him when I'm feeling hurt. But then something popped out of my mouth.
"I'm mad at You. I'm so frustrated. I'm so tired of getting scraps from You. I have given so much. There have been times in my life that I have served You tirelessly... faithfully... fearlessly, yet all I have seen from You is scraps. It isn't that I'm not grateful for those scraps, but I'm tired of scraps. The leftovers. I feel like the only time I hear from You or get something from You is when I get disobedient and loud and yell. I feel like I'm just a dog at the feet of my master begging for his scraps."

The rant continued with me basically just repeating the idea of none of it is fair. It isn't often that I would say that I know I heard God speak to me. I try to be very careful with that, but I can tell you that what I heard interrupted my little rant to Him. It was very loud and clear in my head. He said,
"You say you are tired of the scraps, but there You sit at the foot of the table at my feet. Always begging, crying and whining. You never get what satisfies you because I never meant for you to be where you are. Your place isn't at the foot of the table at my feet. You have chosen to be there. I have a seat right here next to me at the table. I have always wanted you to be here, but you have chosen to be where you are. You have chosen to eat the scraps instead of feasting at my table."

I sat there for just a few minutes. Contemplating what I know I heard. I knew I heard it, but how do I accept it? How do I freely take a seat at the table when I know I do not deserve it. There is a lot there to unpack friends, but I will just say that since forever I have always described myself as a wallflower. I wallk in to a room of friends and always feel like I just fade in to the walls. Camouflaged. While I was contemplating this is when a very dear friend came over, kneeled down beside me and whispered in my ear. She said a lot and I cannot repeat her word for word, but I will paraphrase and give you the meat of what she said. 

She said,
"I have something I have from God for you and it isn't much and it actually sounds kind of harsh, but I really feel to say it to you, so if it is harsh and it hurts your feelings please don't be mad at me. He said 'Get over it. Your past, the way you THINK people see you. The fact that you think that you are a terrible mom and wife. Get over it. You are loved. You have a ministry. Part of that ministry is being a mom to that boy. People don't see your mistakes, your meltdowns or your past. They only see you. I have so much more for you, but you need to get over it.'" Then she prayed over me. 

I know my friend was nervous to give what she felt was harsh word from God, but as I stated previously. That is my relationship with God and I have to be able to take as good as I get. I'm very open with Him and honestly I prefer he just be blunt and open with me. 

I'm thankful for the words. I can not say with certainty what it means for my future, but I will say that it has changed my perspsective. I'm going to climb up off the floor where I've been sitting and sit at the table. 
​