I Have A Dream

I got called a grandma today. Today was our first day out after another round of quarantine. We went out. We were safe. We wore our masks, even in the stores that don't require them. That's when a stranger called me grandma. Ahhhh! Now, this is not the first time this has happened. Maybe it's the feeling of being in an eternal quarantine. Maybe it's my swollen foot from the bee that stung me yesterday. Maybe it's because I have this cold sore on my lip that is so dry and hurts despite anything I put on it. Maybe it's because my social interactions have been with a husband who enjoys solitary life and a three year old boy that thinks having fun is spraying me down with the water hose or shooting a nerf gun at my head at close range. Maybe. Or maybe it was something else that irritated me so.

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I was actually in an aisle at the store, while my husband and son were at the end cap. My son, a social butterfly, was engaging and talking with everyone that walked by. A lady said to him, "Oh, I love your mask. It is so cute". I call out and remind Joseph to say thank you and start walking towards them. The lady sees me at this point and continues "Did grandma make that mask for you?" I smiled from behind my mask and was getting ready to say that we had bought it at our local store, but before I could say anything she continues "It must be so nice to have a grandma that can make masks for you". I paused my whole body. At this point, the smile was so hard on my face that even though I had a mask on you'd have to be so completely blind to miss the twinkle in my eye. I didn't respond further. I didn't move. I just stood there and smiled at her. She moved on.

Now, mind you. I have heard a lot of weird questions and been told some very rude things in my life. Let me highlight some of the popular ones which mostly have to do with my long hair.

"Oh, your hair is so long. How do you wash it?"
"Oh, your hair is so long. How do you brush it?"
"Oh, your hair is so long. What do you wash it with?"
"I love your hair. Can I touch it?"

I just told someone a story a couple of weeks ago about when I was pregnant with my son. I had just turned forty at the time. My husband was forty-four. Now, keep in mind, I have had grey hair on my head since I was twenty-four years old. But I've never been treated as old or called old until this time. We had gone shopping and picked up some things for Joseph's nursery and some clothes. I think I was eight months along at the time and it was very obvious that I was pregnant. I was HUGE! A guy in my church would constantly say to me "You look like your going to pop at anytime now". Every service. Every! Service! The associate who checked us out made eye contact with us both as she was chatting and asked "Are you buying these for a grand baby?" What? Do you think this is a tumor I'm carrying around here? Honestly! This was our first interaction like this, so both my husband and I were taken back a little bit and were not quite sure how to respond. I finally just very plainly rubbed my belly and said it was for our son. God bless that associate. She didn't miss a beat. She just kept talking. Since then, we have had numerous occurences and I'll be truthful. It happens more when my husband is with us. (mwhahahahahaha)

You may be wondering if I have a point in all of this. I do. Sometimes, people get so caught up in their own perspectives of how life is supposed to look that they forget that there are so many other options or paths out there to grab ahold of. My husband and I waited for eight years for things to happen naturally for us. We wanted way more children than we have. We prayed. We cried. Then we went and consulted a fertility specialist that recommended IVF. Joseph is our one and only result. There is so much story of sorrow and loss before and after that, that I will one day tell, but here is the short version. We wanted a baby so much, that we went the extra length and measures to get that baby. I went through tests and procedures. I had so much blood drawn in the space of a year that I feel like the clinic should have a few more of me cloned out there somewhere. Seriously friends! So much blood. I put my body through hell, but we had a dream. We had a wish. We prayed for it. We worked for it. We now hold that dream, wish and prayer in our hands every day.

Now I have another type of dream. I dream about blogging. I want to share my ideas. I want to share my heart and my thoughts. I want to show other ladies that they have a purpose. I want to share that being a mom is hard and messy and wonderful. I want to be a leader. I want to help ladies discover their purpose and dreams. I want to inspire these ladies to set quick and attainable goals, but to also set those hard to reach goals that they think could never happen. 

I want to work from home while I homeschool my son and contribute to the household income. I would love to be able to relieve the stress of relying upon overtime from my husbands employment for us to be able to make it. Our son loves his daddy so much and every moment together is precious. I want to add to that time by putting in the work here from my computer.

What does that look like? I blog! I show  you my projects, what I'm reading and share my opinions. I sell my Thirty-One. I read books and inspire and share wherever I can.

Do I want to be famous? To be honest, there is a part of me that say yes, but I am an enneagram four, so that is part of my nature to want to be loved by everyone, but the logical party of me says that this would take away from my purpose. I wouldn't be able to spend the time I value with my family. I have seen many famous couples that were together before they made it big and their relationship fell apart once they came in to fame. I don't want that. I want my family. I also wouldn't be able to the many valuable relationships I have. I just want to make a difference in the lives of my family and the ladies that I reach.

Do I want to be rich? Ha ha. Remember that song? I think it was from the 90's. I want to be rich. Unfortunately, I think that being rich is equated with security. So, no. I don't want to be rich. I want security. 

What do I really want? I want my family to be able to spend as much time together as possible. I want to be able to pour in to my friends. I want to reach out to ladies that I have never met and be a voice to them that they are enough. I want to inspire someone who is sitting at home thinking that life is over because someone called them grandma at the store today. Your life is not over! If you are breathing, then you have so much more to give.

I'll wind this down with a solid point. I've always had dreams of what I wanted to happen in life, but the fact of the matter is this. That I haven't seen anything really come to fruition until this last year because nothing was happening the way that I thought that it should happen. I had to realize a couple of things. 
1. I may be trying to walk a path that isn't meant for me. The path looks nice because this is the path a friend or a mentor took, but sometimes the path that works for you isn't the one that someone has already trailblazed. It's time to get out the machete, long sleeve shirt (their are mosquitos in my scenario), anything else you need to wear and hiking boots and forge your own path. It is going to be work.
2. There are definitely going to be others who do not understand. I have continually shared my dream with others. Some scoff. Some say nothing. Some actively criticize me. It's ok. Keep hiking. 
3. Be authentic. I have spent a large part of my life trying to fit in to a specific mold of what others thought I should be. That isn't the case anymore. I'm me now. Somedays I struggle, but I persevere everyday to be me. The person that God made me to be. In the end, that is who I want to be like anyway. Him. He is the only one who hasn't disappointed me yet.

So, lady at the store who called me grandma. I know you didn't mean harm, but just because my hair is grey, doesn't mean that little guy is my grandson. My path in life just looks different then yours. My son was a dream that came to life with hard work and God's hand. Now that I realize the importance of what I did there... I am ready to dream so much bigger.