When I was pregnant with my son I oftentimes had time to sit and reflect on the faithfulness of God. I had slowed down. I would sit and wait to feel him move. I would stop and rest. I would be still and revel in the moment of where God placed me.
I wrote the following words on this day six years ago during one of those moments of resting and reflecting:
I was sitting here waiting for baby Joseph to move for the morning. When he finally did I thanked him. Then I thanked God for giving him to me.
Eight years we have waited for this. Countless tests, procedures, a miscarriage, a surgery and month after month of disappointment.
Now here I sit well after having thought it was not meant for me to have children with a certain hope in my heart that in just a little time I will hold my own baby. My very own!
I'm so thankful to God. I know that this isn't without Him.
I'm so thankful that even though I fail Him, He never fails me. I'm thankful that even though I can be faithless to Him, He is always faithful to me. I'm thankful that even though I doubt Him, He never doubts me. I'm thankful that even though I have walked away from Him, He still never leaves me... He waits patiently for me to turn around to see Him waiting there.
My God is AWESOME!
Friends, He still is today. He was yesterday, last week and He will be tomorrow. I feel this way even more so today than I did six years ago.
I have seen God protect my family from layoff and sickness. Though we have struggled financially at times we have not gone without. My husband and I just passed our fourteen year anniversary. We have been through fire in our relationship and God has used that to refine us. We love more. We laugh more. We stop and understand more. God just keeps blessing us.
He has patiently taught me the real meaning of forgiveness, mercy and grace. He has wiped away countless tears of heartache and misunderstanding. He has been showing me that my relationship with Him isn't measured by actions. I can't earn more love from Him by doing bigger, better and more things. I did think this friends. If I wasn't throwing myself into every possible activity that our church was producing than there was no way I could make it in to heaven. There was not way He could ever love me. But this is wrong and it is through that gift I mentioned earlier that I have come to realize that true meaning of His love for me.
He has shown me the true love of a parent to their child. Forgiving me when I do something unforgivable. Loving me when I am at my worst. Opening doors for me that I didn't know were there and closing doors for me. Even some doors that I didn't want closed, but I see now needed to be closed. The biggest that I have felt is the way I know He embraces me when I have failed. Because of Him I am working hard to break generational curses and teach my son about grace during those times when anger rises and mercy when someone (or even himself) does something hurtful. I want my son to know about having a relationship that he can have with me and God that is reciprocal just because we love each other and not because he has to earn it some way. He doesn't have to be perfect. He gets to make mistakes. He can fall and I will be there to help him stand back up. He won't have to earn my love back all over again. He doesn't have to do certain tasks to get a measure of grace. Through my love for him I hope to help him build that same relationship with God. A non-toxic love.
When I think about the timing of God's answered prayers I have to reflect and say that it is always right on time. If He had answered my prayer for a baby the first time I prayed it I might not have been ready for what I have learned through this experience as a parent.
I have grown for sure. I have changed. I have morphed in to something more beautiful than I could have ever thought I could be. I do still stumble and sometimes I fail... ok... alot, I still fail alot. But God, He still remains the same. For that I am grateful.
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