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I have wanted to for awhile, to write something meaningful, but every time I have sat down to the laptop to write that something, words have failed me. It isn't that I do not have anything to say. I actually have plenty to say, but the words just have not come together to be anything value to me or to anyone else.

I don't want to just write something to write something. I want to write something that has value and if possible, encouraging. I want my words to be thought provoking and inspiring. I don't want to struggle to make the words to come out. I want them to flow out. 

It hasn't been there for me until the last couple of weeks. I've had a repeating conversation with God the last couple of years and I have had it again within the last month. It is funny because every time I initiate this conversation He answers in a very dramatic way.

I admit it! I am, unashamedly, an Amazon shopper. Don't get me wrong. I am a strong supporter of others who are in direct sales and for those who work their own small businesses. But... I am a fan of shopping on Amazon. I appreciate the ease of a one stop shop for many of our needs.

Believe it or not, you can support small businesses on Amazon as well. Does Amazon make a profit from them selling on their site? Yes, but honestly, there are very few businesses where there is no cost to you in some shape or form.

So, with that in mind, I decided I would share with you what we have shopped for using Amazon throughout our months. 

I got called a grandma today. Today was our first day out after another round of quarantine. We went out. We were safe. We wore our masks, even in the stores that don't require them. That's when a stranger called me grandma. Ahhhh! Now, this is not the first time this has happened. Maybe it's the feeling of being in an eternal quarantine. Maybe it's my swollen foot from the bee that stung me yesterday. Maybe it's because I have this cold sore on my lip that is so dry and hurts despite anything I put on it. Maybe it's because my social interactions have been with a husband who enjoys solitary life and a three year old boy that thinks having fun is spraying me down with the water hose or shooting a nerf gun at my head at close range. Maybe. Or maybe it was something else that irritated me so.

I am going to disclaimer before I start.

I have kept kind of quiet on things and have in fact decreased my time on social media and limited my conversations with people who are highly opinionated. It doesn't mean I do not agree or disagree with anyone or that I am burying my head in the sand. It's just that this pandemic has caused a lot of stress for all of us. All of us have to make different decisions based on our own family needs, but a lot of what I see being posted, shared and discussed are more of an attack on people's choices. I personally have received messaged from family members and friends that push their personal agenda and beliefs on me and have even been attacked for disagreeing. It is hurtful to our friends, our coworkers, our family and our witness when we respond out of stress (or we just think we are right). So, I took a step back because I want to be a part of the solution. I want my words to be helpful and not hurtful. So, with that, I wrote this a little over a week ago. I've sat on it because I was scared of the backlash, but a friend posted something today and it inspired me to share my thoughts with you. I pray that you see my heart and intent throughout this post.

Have you ever had a divine moment? I don't mean eat a piece of the best chocolate you have ever had divine moment. (though those rank pretty close to the actual divine moments I actually mean) I'm talking about that moment that God walks up and drops something at your feet and says "Here, this is for you". That moment that is so plain and obvious that there is no ignoring that what you are looking is something that is about to change your life.

If you follow me on social media at all you know that the last few years of my life have been a mix of real struggle as God has taken me through what seems to be a very lonely desert. I can be a loner sometimes. I'm by nature a pretty quiet person. I like to think things out. A lot of times I probably overthink. Okay. Most of the time I overthink. ​

Let me tell you the story behind this picture.

I was putting up the outside decorations. I was missing two pins I needed to hold the polar bear inflatable down. I was looking through boxes and checking the ground.

Joe said, "Just a minute mama. I'll fix it" and ran around the corner. He came back with this block of wood, the hammer and screws. He knelt down near the inflatables and started hammering. After a minute or so he looked up at me and said, "Ok, mama, I fixed it".

My heart squeezed so hard. 

You see, our morning was not a good morning. It was filled with Joe wanting to do or get in to stuff that I just wasn't ready to do with him or he shouldn't have been in to period. Everytime I told him no or tried to redirect him it turned in to a high pitched screaming nightmare. I honestly felt like I was the worst mom ever.

So, after lunch we went outside to "help" dad take the trash to the end of the driveway. We also helped put some brush and branches in to the trailer so daddy could take it to the dump. Joe didn't want to go in after that and honestly I didn't either, so I grabbed the inflatables and started putting them up. 

Joe began to dance around and was excited. Then we had that interaction. I wanted to grab him and squeeze the life right out of him. I wanted to freeze the moment in time.

My day with my son was immediately turned around. I saw in him a glimpse of the future. I was able to see past the yelling, the screaming and the morning filled with temper tantrums and saw the man I want my son to be.

A problem solver. Always looking to help others. Seeing a need and meeting it. Looking to help those less fortunate. Sitting with a friend in need. (His friend and him sit with each other when the other has been put in time out) Compassionate. Generous with his time. I'm sure you get it, because I'm also sure you have similar dreams for your child.

I have so many hopes and dreams for this kid. It's easy to get caught up in the moments. The mind bending, ear busting, I'm gonna lose my mind moments, but then, you have a new moment. A little whisper in the ear that says "good job mama... good job". 

Yes. It's been a few days. More than I wanted to give, but I made an executive decision. My son and I had both come down with a cold and we had a little mini vacation planned. Once we got to our destination I had plans to take all kinds of photos to share and discuss, but I just had this feeling inside me that said to put my phone down, put my work away and just enjoy my guys. It grated on me in every kind of way because I really wanted to keep to this commitment, but the laughter and joy and fun we had together was worth every day I missed not being on social media and blogging about life. My health and my family will always trump anything else. Because without them, nothing else matters.

I have to say that today I am most thankful for my momma. She is the best kind of mom. She is always there for me. Back in October I hurt my knee and it hurt to walk on it. I called her up in the middle of the week.  With no hesitation she packed her bags and came up to stay with us for a few days to help me out with my little guy, the animals and the house. When we went on vacation this last weekend, she packed her bags again and came up to stay with our animals and watch our house. 

I'm not always grateful for my mom, but I should be. She is one of the few people that encouraged and made it possible for me to get out of my box. She sent me to Florida to visit friends when I was young and also gave me a trip to visit friends in New Orleans when I graduated from high school. When I moved to Saint Louis to attend school she would send me care packages and always told me how proud she was of me.

She's a good mom. I'm gonna keep her.

Before I launch in to what I loved about today's devotional time, I want to share a story. I have been wrestling with taking something off of my plate. I love everything that I do, but right now I feel the pressure of trying to maintain balance. I don't want anything I do to become a "job" or something I "have to do". BUT, on the flip side I also fear failure. I hate saying I can't or couldn't do something. I hate the appearance that I am quitting.

I have had so many people (yes! friends and family members) take delight in calling me a failure, telling me I lack follow through, I can't finish anything. These same people have told me I need to just give up and get a real job or just "settle being a mom". What does that last one even mean? My brain doesn't grasp why being a stay at home mom means that the only thing I can do is cook, clean and take care of my family all day. 

So I fear, that if I clear this item off my plate I will be a failure and people I love will not hesitate to tell me when they are feeling up to it. Can you relate to this?

I messaged a few people last night as I was pondering over this. One of them was my brother, one was a trusted friend and the other was my husband. I talked about my fears. I talked about how I was afraid and that I didn't want to regret my decision.

Friends! I don't know how this happened, but let's talk about God's timing. I could have never of planned this out if I tried with today's devotionals. Let me share with you.

Cheryl Hale in Girl Be Brave talked about potential and what we were created to do. She discussed what we need to do in order to reach that full potential. Here are some of my takeaways:

• Every person is born with the potential to excel and propel humanity in a positive direction. The key is learning to let go of the negativity of your past and dedicate yourself to your future. (You see that second sentence? This is how I started my devotional time. God said, "wake up girl... I've got something for you")
• You were created to manifest the extraordinary. (two of my favorite words are in this sentence. "manifest" and "extraordinary")

It doesn't stop there. Then I opened up Embraced by Lysa TerKeurst. Lysa was talking about paralyzing fear and gave the perfect illustration (because I can totally relate) to an embarrassing time when she tried to do the monkey bars, but was afraid. Then when all the kids got tired of waiting they went around her. To make it worse, a teacher saw her dilemma and came over to "help" her by lifting her down.

Isn't this so true. We want to try something new. We feel like God has given us something and we are so excited to try so we step one foot out, but then we stop paralyzed with fear. We fail. Someone says something they think is helpful, but it really isn't. Then we sit with our hands folded. Too embarrassed to try again. Too afraid. Devastated by the words of someone who thinks they are helpful. Defeated by our own minds.

Lysa had some amazing takeaways:

• Being told that failure must be avoided at all costs will keep you from trying again. (paraphrased)
• Fear strangles the momentum that propelled us to step out and try something new in the first place. (paraphrased)
• Fear makes the gap between where I am and trusting God seem an impossible chasm.

God really does answer prayers. When I was reading my devotional last night I wrote out a prayer. Part of it was "help me be ok with letting this go". It is the answer I need. Am I 100% fine with this decision. Not yet, but I'm going to trust and have faith that God has something bigger in store for me.

I'll make this short and sweet friends. I haven't done a workout in a few days. Being sick has left me exhausted and tired and coughing. Just walking up and down the steps leaves me in a coughing fit, so I'm working on a healthy me before I get back to working on a healthier me. 

Be blessed!

​Note: Anything I have italicized is not my own words, but are either paraphrased or directly from a book. I try to make it clear from which book the writing is from, but if you are unsure, please ask. Also, if you click on any links that lead you to Amazon from this page and you then purchase the product that you clicked on I may or may not earn money from your purchase.

I wrestled with how to make up for missing a day, but ultimately came to just smashing both days in to one extraordinarily long blog that will have you going blind from reading. I'm joking. I think. Maybe. Let's see where this day takes us.

So, as a recap, I was starting to feel sick Monday night before I went to bed. My throat was sore and felt swollen. When I woke up Tuesday, I felt terrible still. About midday I was feeling better, but was still tired. My husband and I commented on our sons runny nose before Dan left for work. Sure enough by the time it was bedtime, the little guy was pretty stuffy. I started on my devotional stuff, but had to stop and restart several times with running up to help my guy out. I did eventually get my reading, journaling and prayer time completed, but let me tell you, my mama heart felt terrible that my little man was suffering so. It wasn't like he was making it easy on me either. I kept trying to get him to drink fluids, but he'd just push them away and cry. I'd try to cuddle with him and he'd just push me away and cry. I'd try to wipe his nose and he'd just push me away and cry. Getting the drift of how my night was going? I know I can be strong-minded, but man that flair for dramatics when he doesn't feel well is 100% his dad.

I had to make the call to not blog last night because I had to spend a good portion comforting my son and helping him. When I did finally get him to go to sleep without waking up I was pretty worn out myself. So I went to bed. Though I want to stay on top of my challenge to myself, I also will never regret putting work aside for my family and for my own health.

Today, was kind of a lazy day. We did do some grocery shopping, which was sorely needed. Both my son and I were able to get in a nap and now he is in bed and I'm hoping to be there soon myself.

Day #12 had me talking about friends that I am thankful for. I've never been a person to put emphasis on the age of my friends, but I know that is important to some people. When I was in school, one of my very first best friends was several years older than me and after she left for college I then became friends with another best friend who was nine years older than myself. It wasn't that I couldn't be friends with people my age or younger. I guess I just didn't understand that society has unspoken rules about maintaining friendships within your age group. I'm slow though. About a lot of things. And keeping up with societies ever changing rules is one of the things I am always especially slow about.

I say all of that to say this. Some of my tribe right now are considerably younger than myself. They are my tribe and community during this phase of my life because we all have kids (boys) around the same ages. I have to say I am continually grateful for these friends. They listen to me. They encourage me. They inspire me. Best of all, we are all the regular type moms. We make mistakes. We get frustrated. We fail. We all think we could do better and that is what I like about them. We are equal.

Day #13 (that's today) is all about being thankful for an experience. I love conferences. I love ladies conferences. I love inspirational meetings and messages. I love to sit and listen and learn and be inspired. The last two years I have attended the retreat the Executive Director of my team puts together with a friend of hers. It is at these retreats that I have been so inspired that I am able to pinpoint on what I want to focus on for the next year. In 2018, I found the word "freedom" for 2019. This year I was able to pinpoint the word I want to focus on for 2019. At these retreats, I am able to relax, rest, learn and most importantly I am able to network. I can force myself to get out of my comfort zone and meet new people or get to know people a little more. I'm so very thankful for these times.

Have I yet emphasized enough how much I love this devotional by Lysa TerKeurst? Reading the devotionals every day in Embraced is like reading something I have written (or need to write) to myself. Yesterday, Lysa talked about not doing something God has prodded you to do. Not because you are outright rebellious or ignoring Him, but because we allow ourselves to be too busy to do what He has prompted us to do. 

How many times has this happened with me? In fact, I'll even make excuses to cover up for it. Was that really God prompting me? Or was that just my own flesh looking to somehow get some praise for doing something? 

Then today, she talks about how we all just ordinary people, living ordinary lives, but have the potential to do something extraordinary if we allow God to work through us. My favorite line from today's reading was "God's hand is never limited by what we have in ours". 

Friends, we may see ourselves as small and insignificant. We are just moms. We are just wives. We are just friends. We are just ordinary ladies. BUT if we are willing to let God work through us and we use what God has given us all while staying true to who we are, then God is going to do great things through us. 

But we have to start with willingness.

Yesterday and today's messages from Girl Be Brave are simple. Yesterday, a very familiar and recurring theme that keeps popping up as I read this month came back. "Bravery doesn't come from beautiful places. Bravery is birthed in darks days and uncertainty." I'm going to revisit this whole theme someday soon with a blog about it because their is a message that I think God is speaking to me this month. I want to make sure that all my thoughts are gathered together.

Today's message was just as simple. It's ok to say no. We too often overschedule, over volunteer ourselves. Whatever the reason it is that you always say yes. You're a people-pleaser. You feel obligated. You want to fit in. You just love helping others. Whatever it is. It's ok to say no once in awhile. Make time for your family. Make time for your dreams and goals. Make time for you. It's ok. I won't think your selfish.

I'm not going to lie. Yesterday's work out was spontaneous and it was fun. I had turned some music on in my son's playroom. He was asking me to come in and play. As I walked into the room I did a silly little dance to the music and it started a little dance off. Admittedly, it was more just awkward jumping and some crazy moving, but it was fun. We both used some energy to move while we laughed and had a good time together.

Today, I had to break away for a few minutes and just did some time on the elliptical. I was able to listen to my book by Lara Casey and get in a quick workout that didn't require me to be too strenuous today. But now it's time to turn in. Cause I'm tired. Hopefully you didn't go blind. I do kind of feel like I was a little more chatty tonight.

Be blessed!

Note: Anything I have italicized is not my own words, but are either paraphrased or directly from a book. I try to make it clear from which book the writing is from, but if you are unsure, please ask. Also, if you click on any links that lead you to Amazon from this page and you then purchase the product that you clicked on I may or may not earn money from your purchase.

Today, I spent some more time outdoors with my son. Yesterday I bought some snow pants so that I could be comfortable outside and play in the snow. There is a whole conversation about putting on the snow pants. I'll tell you about that down in Action #3. 

I did start a new devotional today. This devotional I am doing with a group of ladies. If you are counting that makes two devotionals and a inspirational book that I am reading daily along with Lara Casey's Cultivate that I am listening to on audible. I may have a problem.

I also hate to admit this because I am a firm believer of confessing something and speaking it into existence, but I am sick.

Today I am thankful for all military personnel, both past and present, that have given their time and lives to ensure that I get to still live in a land of freedom. I appreciate the freedoms that have been given to me and do not take them for granted.

Today, my books seemed to compliment each other again. In Embraced, Lysa talks about going out and doing what God has given us to do. We all have been given a direction from God and when we are walking with Him and have developed a relationship with HIm so that you can see it.

In Girl Be Brave, Cheryl encourages us to go out there and see our potential, follow our dreams and reach our goals. We all have secret passions, goals and desires. We need to get out there and grab those dreams ladies! Don't get passed by or live with regrets.

For today's work out we went outside. I'm going to go ahead and go on record that putting on snow pants is the work out in itself. Is it supposed to be so difficult to get them on? And that isn't the end. Then I had to get one leg up over the other leg so I could put on my boot. The leg kept slipping off. I was seriously out of breath when I was finally done getting dressed to get out. Then I repeated the work out getting my son ready. We did have a lot of fun playing our version of soccer in the snow. I also took some time out to walk around the yard and make some pictures.

All in all it was a good day. Be blessed!

Note: Anything I have italicized is not my own words, but are either paraphrased or directly from a book. I try to make it clear from which book the writing is from, but if you are unsure, please ask. Also, if you click on any links that lead you to Amazon from this page and you then purchase the product that you clicked on I may or may not earn money from your purchase. ​