It can sometimes overwhelmingly feel like the world is no longer good. Darkness seems to encompass us and wreaks havoc on the lives of many innocent people. Not just one day, but weeks of hit after hit. In fact, if you are like me you feel like there hasn't been any true down time since before the pandemic. It is just one thing after another.
It is during these times that I can really question God because my mind cannot comprehend the wickedness of man's heart. The last couple of weeks I haven't slept well. If one thing wakes me up than anxiety immediately fills me. My thoughts are random, but they all lead back to one thing "How can I control this? How can I ensure my family, my circle is safe?"
The honest answer is I cannot and this is where my anxiety lays. I cannot ensure that something bad will not happen. Then I get angry with God because I feel I cannot trust Him. After all, all of these other people have suffered the unimaginable in the last few weeks. How can I trust Him to keep me and my family safe when the other families safe.
It is frustrating and maddening and makes me ask God where He is. I was asking Him again this morning because I am exhausted. I do not enjoy being restless and anxious. I hate being snappy and short with my family and friends. I try to control it, but I can't. I know that sounds weak, but it's the truth. Tired, scared and frustration just doesn't do good things for me.
This morning I asked Him where He was. "God, I need a break. I don't want to worry about what is going to happen at the park, at the store, at the zoo. I don't want to be stressed out that something stupid crazy could happen to my husband while he is at work. I am tired of restraining my voice for fear of what someone could do to me or my family because my opinion differs from theirs. Where are you God? My heart NEEDS You.
God brought a story back to me. A story about a guy named David. Being chased down by a king. Someone he had trusted. Living in caves. Running for his life. This is what he wrote at one point. (this is one of my favorite passages)
Be merciful unto me, O God, be merciful unto me: for my soul trusteth in thee: yea, in the shadow of thy wings will I make my refuge, until these calamities be overpast. I will cry unto God most high; unto God that performeth all things for me. He shall send from heaven, and save me from the reproach of him that would swallow me up. Selah. God shall send forth his mercy and his truth. My soul is among lions: and I lie even among them that are set on fire, even the sons of men, whose teeth are spears and arrows, and their tongue a sharp sword. Be thou exalted, O God, above the heavens; let thy glory be above all the earth. They have prepared a net for my steps; my soul is bowed down: they have digged a pit before me, into the midst whereof they are fallen themselves. Selah. My heart is fixed, O God, my heart is fixed: I will sing and give praise. Awake up, my glory; awake, psaltery and harp: I myself will awake early. I will praise thee, O Lord, among the people: I will sing unto thee among the nations. For thy mercy is great unto the heavens, and thy truth unto the clouds. Be thou exalted, O God, above the heavens: let thy glory be above all the earth.
David saw the traps all around him. It had to be exhausting to always be on the watch for his very own life. He even wrote about it. But in the end he knew that God did have a plan and everything did work out.
I cannot know what the future holds. It is frustrating. But I do know that God whispered in my ear that He has never left me. He hasn't even left the people who have been terrorized and hurt in the last few weeks. He is right here for me. Holding me. Holding them. Holding you. I (we) just need to do one of the hardest things there is to do in life and trust Him.
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